A Would-be Actor’s Lot

This is a Who Dunnit farce set in a nightclub. When Squiggy Naylor, the prissy owner of the nightclub and Queen of the Underworld discovers $50 000 missing from her safe she calls on her good mate and super slooth Slick Macey to find the thief. HE soon discovers it was an inside job – but who?

Characters:

Monty Mouthpiece: An effeminate set designer who believes he is a born actor.

Bombshell Betty: Sexy nightclub singer who cannot talk without pouting.

Slick Macey: The cool private detective.

Squiggy Naylor: The tough nightclub owner and Queen of the Underworld.

Inger Randy: The always drunk barmaid.

Tony Naylor: Squiggy’s brother.

Cleo Patra: Tony Naylor’s lover.

Note: The actors should not hold back with their over the top characterizations; be outrageous and have fun!

Scene 1:

The scene is a nightclub on the morning after the night before. The barmaid, Inger Randy, walks around clearing the glasses from the tables and drinking the dregs as she goes. By the time she gets back to the bar she is drunk. Squiggy Naylor, the tough nightclub owner with the perfect big thick bouffant hair do, comes in counting her money. She stuffs it into her cleevage and begins pacing up and down as if she is waiting for someone. Slick Macy, a cool, confident private detective appears, to the relief of Squiggy who grabs him by the hand and shakes it vigorously.

SQUIGGY: Slick! Glad you came. Come in. Sit down. (They sit at the closest table) Let me get you a drink.

SLICK: No. Tell me your problem.

SQUIGGY: My problem is – I’ve been robbed!

SLICK: So why call me and not the cops?

SQUIGGY: Come on Slick – I’m Squiggy Naylor, Queen of the underworld. Besides –

you’re cheap.

SLICK: What?

SQUIGGY: Discrete, Slick! You’re discrete.

SLICK: Mmm. What was stolen?

Squiggy looks about and then over to the barmaid who stares back and then slides down behind the bar paralytic.

SQUIGGY: Come over here.

She leads Slick across the room to a blue curtain pulls it back and reveals a safe.

SQUIGGY: From this safe, somewhere between six last night and six this morning,

$50 000 were stolen.

SLICK: (Closely scrutinizes the safe) Mmmm? Give me a list of those people who

knew the combination.

SQUIGGY: The combination?

SLICK: Whoever took your money didn’t have to force open the safe.

To do that they must have known the combination.

SQUIGGY: Jees, you’re good Slick.

SLICK: Yes, I know. I’m a professional. Now who knows the combination.

SQUIGGY: Only me.

SLICK: Did you steal your own money?

SQUIGGY: Watch it Slick.

SLICK: Then who is close enough to you to be able to get the combination?

SQUIGGY: Oh, well, I keep it in the office in a draw so – I suppose; My brother; his

lady friend; the club’s singer; and the barmaid.

SLICK: I see. You may as well have written the combination on the safe with a

texter.

SQUIGGY: Watch it Slick, I’m paying you a pittance.

SLICK: Just thinking out loud. I’d like to talk to each of them.

SQUIGGY: There’s only the barmaid here right now and she’s not speaking to anyone.

SLICK: Let’s go into your office and consider what we’ve got.

SQUIGGY: Jees, you’re good Slick. It turns me on.

SLICK: Yes. I have that effect on people. It’s a cross I have to bare.

They both leave and Monty Mouthpiece entres the scene in a lemon tee shirt and lime green flairs. He carries table cloths and over his shoulder has a tea towel. He begins to wipe down the first table and then notices the audience.

MONTY: Oh, hi! Enjoying the evening? Hope you didn’t pay to get in. I hate to see

people being ripped off.

He continues his conversation as he cleans the tables and puts the table cloths on them.

MONTY: What do you think of the set then? It’s all my doing you know. I’m Monty

the set designer: I’m responsible for this wonderful creation.

I put a lot of effort into my sets. But then that’s me; Mr Perfectionist.

He walks over to the blue curtain.

Oh, I love this colour. What do you think? I think it’s really me.

He goes behind the bar and drags the unconscious barmaid off the set saying as he does:

I’ve got to get this one sobered up for scene 3.

He comes back to lay the final centre table.

You know I’m the only real actor around here. I should have been in this

production. But they don’t listen. They don’t appreciate. (moving to the

front of the set to speak passionately to the audience) I could give this play

culture. I could give it class. I’m a real actor. I should be in tights!

He turns to adopt a melodramatic pose and quotes Shakespeare:

It is my birthday. I had thought t’have held it poor. But since my Lord is

Antony again, I will be his Cleopatra!

He turns and glides theatrically off stage.

Scene 2:

Tony and Cleo walk into the nightclub so grossly in love it is sickening.

CLEO: Oh, Tony that was a wonderful, wonderful lunch.

TONY: And made so wonderful only because it was you I was dining with, my

love.

CLEO: My love. It sounds so romantic when you say it.

TONY: How could any moment not be romantic when I’m with you – my love.

CLEO: Tony.

TONY: Cleo.

CLEO: Oh, Tony!

TONY: Oh, Cleo!

They settle at a table without breaking the rhythms of their passion; and as they continue their breathing gets heavier and heavier.

CLEO: Darling Tony.

TONY: Darling Cleo.

CLEO: Do you – want me?

TONY: Oh, yes.

CLEO: Do you really - want me?

TONY: Oh, yes, yes.

CLEO: Do you really, really, want me?

TONY: Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

CLEO: I know you do.

TONY: I know you know I do.

Monty’s voice is heard from off stage.

MONTY: Get on with the plot before you lose the plot! No wonder you both

wear incontinent knickers, you’d give anyone the – (cut off by Cleo

saying her line)

CLEO: (With heightened drama) Tony, we’ve got to get out of this place.

TONY: Away?

CLEO: Yes away. Far away. Where we can be alone.

TONY: Alone with you my love.

CLEO: Now that we’ve got money we can do anything!

TONY: A desert island where I can run with you naked.

CLEO: Oh, yes!

Squiggy and Slick come out from the office; Squiggy’s hair do is a little ruffled.

SQUIGGY: Tony. Cleo. This is Slick Macey. I want you to answer his questions.

TONY: Why should we.

SQUIGGY: Because I say so!

Tony stands up to challenge his sister and Cleo stands alongside him. But smooth acing Slick breaks the tension with his question.

SLICK: Tell me, where were you both between six last night and six this morning.

CLEO: In each other’s arms.

SLICK: I see.

TONY: Here in the club.

SLICK: Ah, ha! Opportunity.

TONY: Opportunity? (Turning to Cleo) I’d certainly like some.

CLEO: Behave yourself. You’ll get your opportunity on your desert island.

SLICK: Ah, ha! Motive. A desert island costs money.

TONY: And we’ve got plenty.

CLEO: Tony, shush.

TONY: Oh, er – um- yes. We need er – um – money. Yes, Yes; plenty of money.

SLICK: Which of you can tell me the combination to the safe.

TONY: Not me!

CLEO: Nor Me! (They link arms) I think it is time for us to leave Tony.

TONY: Yes, my love; I do too.

CLEO: (As they leave) You sure know how to melt a girl’s heart.

TONY: Only yours, my love.

SQUIGGY: Come on Slick. Let’s go back into my office and wait for the singer to

arrive.

Squiggy and Slick leave. Monty walks back onto the set wearing an oversized pink sparkly shirt tied in a knot at the front. He also wears tights made from the blue curtain material but they are too big for him and the crutch is at his knees. He carries a basket containing bottles of booze and a microphone. He again speaks to the audience.

MONTY: Oh, you’re still here then? Well you can take some punishment. I’ll say

that for you. (posing in his outfit for the audience) I thought I’d treat

myself. What do you think?

He goes behind the bar and swaps the full bottles in his basket for the empty ones and then comes back to centre stage.

MONTY: Thought you’d have got to get your money back by now.

He picks up the mic and twirls his way over to the area in front of the blue curtain where he puts the mic into the stand.

MONTY: A good actor can turn his hand to anything.

He mimics the actions of an Elvis Presley shaking his hips and then swinging his arm like a windmill and then he adopts his theatrical pose to quote his Shakespeare.

MONTY: (Like an Elvis) Bop-alula! Bee-bob alula! (into Shakespeare) He jests at

scars that never held a wound.

A woman walks past the window.

MONTY: Ah! But soft. What light through yonder window breaks? Is it the east and

Juliet the sun? (turning to the audience) Huh, you’d be so lucky. It’s just

that bitch Bombshell Betty, Queen of the Tarts; and I can’t stand being in the

same room as she..

With that Monty takes his theatrical leave ignoring Betty as she entres the scene..