BOOKENDS

Synopsis:

Henry Tudor rings his lover Jane Seymour to invite her to dinner and tell her he is now free of his wife Catherine. He doesn’t realise that she has come back from the dead to seek her revenge.

This farce is set in the lounge/dining room of Henry Tudor’s house. The room has a dining table, lounge suite small table and chairs.

Characters:

Henry Tudor is a rich, spoilt music composer. He is used to getting whatever

he wants.

Catherine Tudor Henry’s wife of fifteen years. She calls a spade a spade.

Jane Seymour The lover with more to her than meets the eye.

Sergeant Wolsey Cowardly policeman with a nose for a celebrity.

Constable Bollen The new recruit wanting to make a name for herself.

Scene 1:

The quiet of the empty lounge room of wealthy composer, Henry Tudor is suddenly shattered by a long loud scream from another room. Moments later, Henry appears looking pleased with himself.

HENRY: Ah, it feels good to be free. I should have done it years ago. She

had it too good for too long.

He goes to the telephone and dials a number and as he does Catherine walks into the room with an axe embedded in her head. She is in a foul temper.

CATHERINE: If you think you’re getting away with this you can think again.

Henry acts as though she doesn’t exist.

HENRY: Ah, didn’t get through.

Oblivious to Catherine he dials the number again.

CATHERINE: Are you listening to me?

HENRY: Yes, it’s ringing.

CATHERINE: (Pointing to the axe) This isn’t funny, you know?

HENRY: Come on, answer darling. This is good news!

CATHERINE: Who are you ringing?(Henry shows no reaction) I’m talking to

you. (Still no reaction so she yells) MORON!!!

HENRY: Jane. It’s Henry. I’ve got good news.

CATHERINE: That floozy! I knew it!

HENRY: She’s gone. I told her and she’s gone.

CATHERINE: You told me all right. (Shouting into the phone) He hit me over

the head with an axe. That’s how he told me!

HENRY: Darling, I miss you so much. I feel so incomplete without you

by my side.

CATHERINE: Oh, not that old routine. (Shouting into the phone) He fed me

that line fifteen years ago.

HENRY: The sooner you can come to me the sooner we can be as one.

CATHERINE: (Shouting into the phone) Until he decides to split you down the

middle like a piece of kindling!

HENRY: Come to me Darling. I’ll be waiting.

CATHERINE: And so will I, ¾ TART!!!

HENRY: Oh, that sounds wonderful. I’ll expect you later then, for an

evening of true love and undying passion.

Henry blows a succession of kisses down the phone and Catherine gags as the sight of it. He begins to walk around the room excitedly anticipating what is to come. Catherine sits on the sofa and begins to talk to the rag doll perched on the arm while at the same time watching Henry’s sickly excitement.

CATHERINE: He can think again if he thinks he’s getting rid of me for that trollop.

Henry turns on some music and talks to himself as he waltzes around the room. He begins by removing a bowl of fruit from the table and laying a tablecloth.

HENRY: A candle lit dinner, I think.

CATHERINE: Oh yes, that’ll be nice. The last time you organised a candle-lit

dinner you set the table cloth on fire and had to put it out with

the wine. That should really turn her on.

HENRY: I’ll make this an evening she’ll never forget.

CATHERINE: I’ll see to that mate.

Henry puts a candelabra on the table and as soon as he lets go of it Catherine tips it over. Henry stands it up again and again Catherine tips it over. She plays this game with Henry until he decides to examine the table leg. While he looks under the table she stands the candelabra up again. Henry stands, sees it and looks confused. He walks away looking back at the table while Catherine looks pleased with herself.

CATHERINE: I’m gonna get you for this mate.

Henry sets the table for two.

CATHERINE: And don’t think I’m gonna sit and watch you swoon over this

¾ this woman all night.

Henry fastidiously positions a salt and pepper set.

CATHERINE: You’ll get your’s fella.

There’s a knock at the door. Henry turns off his music and goes to answer the door. While he is away Catherine bends the forks at right angles.

CATHERINE: (To the clown) Let’s see them get there big mouths around that.

HENRY: (From off set) Come in here.

Henry walks back into the lounge room followed by a plain clothed policeman and a policewoman in uniform. She has huge breasts. The policewoman stands erect alongside a small table with an urn on it while the policeman walks into the centre of the room. Catherine moves in front of him.

CATHERINE: Who are you?

WOLSEY: (Ignoring Catherine) As I said at the door Sir, I’m Detective

Sergeant Wolsey and this is Constable Bollen. We’re

investigating the sound of a long loud scream as reported by a

neighbour.

CATHERINE: That was me! Look! Look! (She waves her head in front of

him) That’s the reason for your long loud scream, mate!

The policeman doesn’t acknowledge her existence.

HENRY: And when was this?

CATHERINE: When you hit me over the head with the axe, you idiot!

WOLSEY: Earlier this morning.

HENRY: I’m sorry but I didn’t hear anything.

WOLSEY: And your wife, Sir?

HENRY: Catherine’s not here at present.

CATHERINE: Yes I am. Look at me. Go and look at the crumpled heap in his

precious wine cellar, that’s me!

HENRY: She’s visiting her mother.

The detective begins to walk around the room. Catherine follows him, then veers off and faces the police woman.

CATHERINE: And why are you standing so stiff. Got a broom up your

backside?

She moves back to the detective but as she leaves the table she knocks the urn over. The Policewoman picks it up, looks at the inscription and puts it back on the table.

WOLSEY: A table for two, Sir?

HENRY: Er ¾ er!

CATHERINE: Yeah! Explain that, creep.

HENRY: This is how Catherine and I will spend the evening. I’m

preparing a special surprise for her.

WOLSEY: You’re obviously a loving couple.

CATHERINE: (Waves her head at him) And this is how he shows it.

Wolsey clicks his fingers and the policewoman produces a pencil and notebook and begins to take notes..

WOLSEY: Could I trouble you for your name, Sir.

HENRY: My name is Henry, Arthur Tudor.

WOLSEY: (Surprised) The famous composer?

HENRY: Er, yes.

WOLSEY: This is a pleasure. (Shake hands furiously) I love your music.

CATHERINE: Never mind his rotten music, what about my long loud scream?

WOLSEY: Didn’t you pay a lot of money for something recently?

HENRY: A diary.

WOLSEY: Ah, yes. The diary of some other composer.

HENRY: Not just some other composer, Sergeant. The Master.

WOLSEY: Did you ever meet him, Sir?

HENRY: Sadly no. We tried so many times but were always to busy.

CATHERINE: The bloke couldn’t stand old monotone Henry here.

Wolsey focuses on a tape recorder.

WOLSEY: His death was untimely as I remember. And at a young age.

HENRY: Yes, yes. I was devastated.

CATHERINE: Liar!! You were always as jealous as hell of him. (Directs her

comments to Wolsey) He had a grin from ear to ear for a week.

WOLSEY: We’re looking for someone named Poopsie, to help us with our

inquiries.

CATHERINE: Funny name. I’m sure I’ve heard that name somewhere.

WOLSEY: Tell me, Sir, why is the diary so important to you?

HENRY: It’s for inspiration. It’s like he is beside me when I write.

CATHERINE: The truth is he’s hoping to find the secrets of the other bloke’s

success.

WOLSEY: Your music?

Wolsey turns on the tape recorder and for the first time Henry loses his cool

HENRY: No! No!

He hurriedly turns off the tape recorder then gathers his composure.

HENRY: I’m sorry, Sergeant but it’s an unfinished work. It’s extremely

unlucky for anyone but me to hear it until it’s complete.

WOLSEY: Oh, I’m sorry. Look, I don’t think we need to trouble you any

more Mr Tudor.

HENRY: You can call me Henry, Sergeant.

WOLSEY: (Honoured) Henry.

Catherine moves over to the policewoman and stares into her face.

CATHERINE: Come on boulder bosom, you’re not going to let him do a snow

job like that are you? You’re a woman; you should be on my

side! Tell him to search the place. I’m in the cellar. I haven’t

even gone cold yet.

Bollen is unmoved. Henry sees Wolsey to the door and they shake hands vigorously.

WOLSEY: I’m sorry for the intrusion ¾ Henry. Thankyou for your time.

HENRY: Don’t mention it. I was glad to be of assistance.

CATHERINE: (In Henry’s face) You’re not getting away with this!

WOLSEY: Er, Henry ¾ I hate to keep on, but about that scream?

HENRY: We have some strange neighbours, Sergeant.

WOLSEY: Yes. Yes, that’s it. Well, I won’t trouble you any longer. It’s

been a pleasure meeting you.

HENRY: Goodbye, Sergeant.

The police leave.

HENRY: Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted.

Catherine sighs with frustration and flops down alongside the clown.

CATHERINE: (To the clown) He’s not getting away with it. This is my house

and he’s not bumping me off just so that he can move in one of

his floosies.

HENRY: I know, the kitchen! I’ll knock up one of my culinary

masterpieces.

Henry leaves with Catherine hot on his heels.

CATHERINE: We’ll see about that!

Lights down