Just One Kiss

This is a fast moving, melodramatic comedy with pathos. Sometime in the 1920s, Sweaty Betty and her side-kick, Birdbrain Bart storm into a sleazy tavern in Flinders Lane and steal the jewels that the gangsters known as the Bludgers have just appropriated. The Bludgers then bully the nightclub cleaner Pushover Pete into romancing Sweaty Betty in an effort to get back the jewels. The story then becomes one of people discovering themselves and each other.

Pushover Pete: Pete is unassuming and with a low self esteem; but has a sense of revenge he cannot define and an inner strength not yet discovered.

Sweaty Betty: Betty is a tough independent girl with no pride in her person, but with a sense of humanity and a sense of justice for those she sees as vulnerable. She also has a longing, she keeps to herself, and that is to be loved.

Birdbrain Bart: Bart is vulnerable. He is an infant in an adult body. His condition has been caused by trauma that could be reversed if only somebody knew the cause.

Mugger Bludger: The gangsters are desperate for some respect and credibility in their

Slugger Bludger: profession. They are menacing and evil; nothing to like about them.

Sergeant Plodder: The Police, just doing their job as best they can; the sergeant is wise

Constable Clodder: the constable is learning; and again, they’re just doing their job.

Notes: It is suggested that this play could be performed with outlandish, over the top, make-up and costumes in order to contrast the comedy with the pathos. The gangsters and the police can be played by the same actors sub-textually suggesting a fine line between the two professions.

Pushover Pete rearranges the set into different scenes as he talks to his mop. Each scene contains a table and chairs and a counter. As Pushover Pete speaks to his mop he can change the scene by putting candles or table cloths on the table, and by putting bottles and glasses on the counter to make it look like the tavern, maybe a wanted poster on it for the police station, and a tea shop by setting cups and saucers on the table and scones etc on the counter.

Scenes:

1: A sleazy tavern.

2: Betty’s hideout.

3: The Police Station.

4: A tea shop.

Scene 1: In the Big League Now

The scene is a sleazy Melbourne nightclub sometime in the 1920s, in the early hours of the morning. Over to one side a young man, known as Pushover Pete, quietly mops the floor. Two gangsters enter and sit at a table evaluating their latest robbery. It’s booty of jewels which they admire in triumph as they celebrate.

SLUGGER: Hey Pushover, bring us some grog!

MUGGER: Yeah, we’re celebrating.

SLUGGER: This’ll put us in the same league as Squizzy Taylor.

Pete goes over to the bar to get a bottle and some glasses.

MUGGER: I don’t reckon Squizzy ever had a haul like this.

SLUGGER: Now we’ll command respect. Now when we walk down the street they’ll

Say; “There go the Bludgers!” They’ll know us for what we really are.

MUGGER: Did you see the way they ran like rats when we stormed in?

Hey Pushover, where are those drinks? Get over here!

The Bludgers laugh as Pete comes to the table with their drinks. Mugger grabs Pete by the shirt front and pulls him close to his face.

MUGGER: Respect, Pushover! Respect!

Pete goes back to mopping. Mugger gets up from the table and mimes fighting like a street fighter.

MUGGER: It felt good showing them who rules in Flinders Lane.

Slugger gets up and spars with Mugger.

SLUGGER: Come on Mugger, go me. Come on! Come on! Have a go if you think you’re hard enough!

MUGGER: You have a go. Go on, try it. Go on!

SLUGGER: I will! I will! Don’t you worry about that!

Mugger gets up and the gang members laugh and spar some more slapping each other playfully as they move around each other.

MUGGER: I’ll eat you alive!

SLUGGER: I’ll have you for breakfast!

They laugh some more then sit back down.

MUGGER: We’re in the big league now. Thieving from thieves is smart thinking.

No risk. Big gains. Now we’ll be taken seriously.

Mugger picks up the jewels and lets them slip through his fingers.

SLUGGER: Yeah, and maybe now we can get out of this dump. Of all the deeds in that locked bag, the deeds to this place were the dud.

MUGGER: The Menzies Creek gold mine made up for it but.

Suddenly Sweaty Betty and Birdbrain Bart burst into the nightclub. They rush at the table, yelling as they do.

BETTY: Right you Bludgers, it’s party time and we’re the entertainment.

BART: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and we’re the entertainment.

The Bludgers jump up as Betty and Bart kick the chairs away. Bart laughs. Betty moves towards the Bludgers and they back away.

SLUGGER: What do you want?

Bart sees the jewels spread out on the table.

BART: Oh! Betty, Betty, Betty! Look, look, look!

Betty examines the jewels.

BETTY: It’s the jackpot Bart!

BART: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! The jackpot?

BETTY: Well, Mugger, now I think we can do a little business.

MUGGER: What sort of business.

BETTY: The kind of business we do best.

MUGGER: And what would that be?

BART: Er - er, what do we do best Betty?

BETTY: They’ve got it Bart; and we take it. That’s what we do best.

BART: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what we do best.

The Bludgers sum up some courage and move towards Betty. Bart sees them coming and threatens them. They move back. Bart laughs. Betty picks up the jewels and admires them.

MUGGER: You’re making a big mistake, Sweaty Betty.

BETTY: What did you say? What did you call me?

Bart threatens again.

MUGGER: You just keep that big bird brain off of us.

BART: What did you say? What did you call me?

What did he mean Betty? What’s a bird brain?

The Bludgers show a little bravado and step towards Bart.

MUGGER: You dirty rat!

SLUGGER: You squeaky little son of a -

Betty interrupts them by stepping forward with the jewels.

BETTY: You want I should shove these down your big mouth.

BART: Betty, what do they mean? They called me a son of a dirty rat. I’m not a dirty rat, Betty! My dad’s a plumber.

BETTY: They’re Bludgers, Bart; what would they know?

They haven’t got a brain between them.

MUGGER: You’re not getting away with this Betty.

SLUGGER: We’re in the big league now. You don’t mess with us.

BETTY: Well then, I guess we’d better leave. What you think Bart?

BART: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Whatever you say, Betty.

The Bludgers think they have won the argument and suddenly they become tough and full of bravado. They shape to move forward.

BETTY: Bart!

Bart threatens the Bludgers while Betty scoops up the rest of the jewels.

BETTY: Thanks for the booty boys. You’ve been very generous. Still what would

we expect - you’re in the big league now.

Betty and Bart make to leave. As they do Betty notices Pete. She goes over to him.

BETTY: Is that you, Pete?

PETE: G’day Betty.

BETTY: Pete! You look great. What are you doing in this dump?

PETE: It’s a job.

BETTY: Come with us.

BART: Betty, no! We’re a team.

BETTY: Shut up, Bart. How about it Pete?

PETE: Thanks for the offer Betty, but not this time.

BETTY: Well, any time, Pete. The offer’s always there.

Bart pulls Betty out of the nightclub.

Scene 2: Darling Pushover

SLUGGER: Boy does she stink

MUGGER: She hangs around long after she’s gone.

The Bludgers turn in unison and stare at Pete. Then Mugger drags Pete into the centre of the room.

MUGGER: What’s with you and Sweaty Betty?

PETE: Nothing.

MUGGER: Don’t tell me nothing: she was all over you like a rash!

SLUGGER: She knew you.

MUGGER: She fancied you.

SLUGGER: She bloody-well loves you!

PETE: No she doesn’t.

MUGGER: You better answer the question, if you know what’s good for you.

What’s with you and Sweaty Betty?

PETE: We went to school together.

MUGGER: And?

SLUGGER: And!

PETE: She liked me, that’s all.

MUGGER: Did you kiss her?

SLUGGER: Awe, that’s sick!

The Bludgers make kissing noises on the backs of their hands and mimic dry retching.

MUGGER: Well, did you?

PETE: No, I didn’t.

Mugger beckons his mate away from Pete.

MUGGER: I’ve got an idea!

SLUGGER: An idea for what?

MUGGER: We wanna get the jewels back, right?

SLUGGER: Yeah, ‘course we do!

MUGGER: And Sweaty Betty still has the hots for Pushover, right?

SLUGGER: Yeah? (He wraps his arms around himself and imitates Pete being kissed

and cuddled) I love you my darling Pushover.

MUGGER: So, why don’t we get Pushover on the inside? She wants him to join her, so

we’ll get him to romance her. Then, once she’s in Pushover’s

passionate dreamland, he can find the jewels and get ‘em back for us.

SLUGGER: Yeah, good idea!

MUGGER: Just one passionate kiss and she’ll be putty in his hands.

SLUGGER: But if she does kiss him he could die; or at least throw up all over her.

MUGGER: That’s his problem. (He turns to Pete) Right Pushover, here’s the plan.

PETE: I heard it all and I’m not doing it.

MUGGER: Not doing it?

BLUDGERS: (Yell in unison) NOT DOING IT!

PETE: I’m not doing it.

The Bludgers are aghast. Mugger pulls Pete up close.

MUGGER: If you don’t do it I’ll bite off all your fingers and toes. I’ll bite off one a day until there’s none left.

SLUGGER: Yeah, and then you’ll have to change your name to stumpy and Sweaty Betty’ll have to pick your nose for you.

MUGGER: So, Pushover, it’s your choice. It’s a long, wet, passionate kiss, or no fingers and toes.

The Bludgers laugh and are pleased with the plan when suddenly Mugger remembers:

MUGGER: Wait a minute!

SLUGGER: What?

MUGGER: We’ve forgotten about Bird Brain.

SLUGGER: (Turning to Pete) I don’t suppose you could kiss him too, could you?

The Bludgers roll around in fits of laughter and make more loud kissing noises. Then they stop suddenly as Mugger has another thought.

MUGGER: The thing is we have to fix Bird Brain somehow. Did you see how jealous he was when Sweaty had her eyes on Pushover? If we don’t take

him out, he’ll wreck this romance before it gets started.

SLUGGER: (Takes a step forward and proudly sticks his chest out) I’ve got an idea Mugger! We’ll dob ‘im in to the cops. Tell ‘em he pinched the jewels and where to find him.

MUGGER: Hey Slugger, we’re Bludgers not dobbers!

SLUGGER: Listen here, Mugger, Squizzy Taylor survives by being a dobber. If it’s

good enough for Squizzy its good enough for us.

MUGGER: Yeah, right.

SLUGGER: (Turning to Pete) So, Pushover, while we deal with Bird Brain, you have a choice to make. It’s one big sloppy kiss on Sweaty Betty’s luscious lips or no fingers and toes. Let’s go Mugger. Let’s go walk the streets with respect and credibility!

The Bludgers run out of the sleazy nightclub full of excitement and bravado leaving Pushover Pete alone to contemplate his predicament.

Scene 3: No Tough Love

Pete turns his mop upside down and begins to talk to it as if it was a person. At the same time he begins to rearrange the set to create the hideout of Sweaty Betty and Bird Brain Bart.

PETE: I don’t want be a pushover but I don’t know how to be anything else.

I know I’m not tough like you wanted me to be, but I’m trying; honest I am. I just don’t know how to be tough.

It didn’t help much, you being so protective.

I keep thinking about why you disappeared, and how them Bludgers

suddenly claimed ownership of this club.

Dad, - how do you kiss a girl?

Pete picks up his mop and bucket and leaves, practicing puckering up to the mop as he walks out of the new scene.