The Real Robbie Williams

By

Ken Purdham

Robbie Williams: Robbie is a street cleaner who has found his place in life in the environment of the alley he cleans and the people who inhabit it. His simple outlook on life endears him to all and he has become so much an Icon that the business residents of the alley have pressured the council to rename the alley after him. While Robbie has a simple innocence about him he also has a much more streetwise astuteness that few appreciate.

Beverly: Is a little older than Robbie and an enigma. She is either a widow or divorced. She is strong of character yet she is lonely. She is not as prudish as her demeanor suggests. Her life is loveless and this manifests itself in her need to smother Robbie in big sister like attention. However as she gets to know Robbie her big sister affections become confused with her longing for love.

Angela:

Sophia:

Scene 1: The Real Robbie WIlliams

A young man in overalls enters a small inner-city alley and arranges the bins with particular care. As he does a well dressed woman walks into the ally flustered and intolerant.

Beverly: Excuse me, but where am I?

Robbie: You’re in the alley.

Beverly: (annoyed) I know that. What ally is this?

Robbie: (Pointing up to the sign) It’s my alley.

Beverly: It says Robbie Williams Alley.

Robbie: (Proudly) I know.

Beverly: He’s a singer.

Robbie: Yeah, but I’m the real Robbie Williams ‘cause I was born with my name. And Mr Lew says I sing the songs better than him anyway. I sing all the time, except when everyone wants me to be quiet. I usually sing when I’m cleaning the Alley. What’s your name?

Beverly: I don’t think that’s any of your business.

Robbie: (Matter of fact) I was only trying to be nice. You don’t have to tell me your name if it’s a secret.

Beverly: My name is Beverly. I’m looking for Mr Bortelli.

Robbie: Mr Bortelli and Mr Lew said they went to the council and got the name changed because I keep the rats away.

Beverly: The rats?

Robbie: Yeah. Because I keep the alley clean they don’t come here.

Beverly: So where will I find Mr Bortelli?

Robbie: He’s over there. Mr Bortelli has a fruit shop and gives me fruit and vegetables to take home for free. Mr Lew has a restaurant. He’s over there. It’s where posh people come and have dinner with candles and mobile phones and bottles of wine that shine when the candles are lit. I get my breakfast there, and my lunch, and sometimes I come at night when the posh people come. I bring my girlfriend. Her name’s Samantha and she loves me.

Beverly tries to speak but Robbie just marches on.

When I bring her to Mr Lew’s we get a table all to ourselves and Mr Lew comes and lights a candle and gives us a real bottle of wine to drink. I’ve kissed her. She leaned over the table and caught her hair on fire with the candle. Mr Lew put it out and that’s when I kissed her.

Beverly tries to speak again but she has no chance.

Then when we’ve drunk all the wine and we’ve had enough to eat, Mr Lew calls the police car to come and take us home. The inspector said that’s what he has to do. The inspector said this is my alley; see it’s called Robbie Williams Alley. So I am the real Robbie Williams, it says so up there.

Beverly: You talk a lot.

Robbie: Oh yes. I never shut up. I could talk for hours; usually do. You have to tell me to stop talking, otherwise I just go on and on… (Beverly tries to speak again but again Robbie doesn’t notice)…and on and on.

Beverly: It was nice meeting you.

Robbie: Yes, and you. You can call me Robbie if you like. Have a lovely day.

Beverly: You too ― Robbie.

Beverly leaves the alley in one direction as Robbie leaves in the other.

Scene 2: Short changed:

The following morning Robbie enters the alley counting his money. He becomes frustrated just as Beverly appears with a paper coffee cup and wrapping from something she has just eaten.

Beverly: What’s up Robbie?

Robbie: I can’t get my sums right. Every time I count, it comes out wrong. I can’t do it.

Beverly: What can’t you do?

Robbie: I can’t do my sums. Will you do it? Will you count my money?

Beverly: Yes.

Robbie hands Beverly his money, takes her paper cup and wrapping, and puts it into the rubbish bin as she counts his money.

Beverly: Sixty five cents!

Robbie: That’s what I got. You can’t do sums either.

Beverly: What should I have got?

Robbie: Eighty five cents.

Beverly: Well, I can assure you Robbie there is only sixty five cents here. Maybe you’ve lost twenty cents.

Robbie: No, I haven’t lost anything. I gave that new man in the kiosk four dollars at five o’clock for a coffee and this is what he gave me back. I haven’t lost anything.

Beverly: Then you haven’t got your sums wrong, you’ve been short changed.

Robbie: What does that mean?

Beverly: It means that when he gave you your change he didn’t give you all of it. He kept some for himself.

Robbie: Or maybe he made a mistake.

Beverly: Yes Robbie – or he made a mistake.

Robbie: I’ll tell him tomorrow when I buy my coffee again.

Beverly gives Robbie back his money and he carefully puts it away.

Beverly: The alley looks very tidy.

Robbie: I still have a little bit left over there and then I’m finished. Maybe you can’t see it but I’ve got to make sure there’s nothing left for the rats.

Angela and Sophia come into the alley.

Robbie: Hi, Angela! Hi Sophee!

Sophia: Sophia, Robbie! Sophia!

Angela: (Teasing) Hi Robbie. Is this your new girlfriend?

Robbie: Samantha’s my girlfriend. This is Beverly. She just likes me.

Sophia: We all like you Robbie – especially Samantha.

Angela: Is she coming for breakfast like yesterday?

Robbie: She comes every day now ‘cause she’s got a job with Mr Lew.

Sophia: And are you going to pash her in the alley like you did yesterday?

Robbie: Yes.

Angela: You really went for it Robbie!

Robbie: She likes it.

Sophia: We could see that.

Robbie: I like it too. Where’re you going?

Angela: Oh, just to see someone.

Robbie: You’re going to see Mr Bortelli.

Sophia: You know too much Robbie.

Robbie: I know lots of things.

Sophia: I wonder what secrets you could tell.

Robbie: You don’t tell secrets, Sophee. Don’t you know that?

Angela: She’s just teasing you Robbie.

Robbie: Yeah, I know.

Sophia: Did you use your tongue Robbie – when you pashed Sam?

Robbie: Yeah! That’s what you do when you pash. Don’t know anything Soph?

Angela: She knows how to use her tongue, Robbie!

Sophia waves her tongue at Robbie in a sexual gesture to the disapproval of Beverly.

Beverly: That kind of behavior his hardly appropriate.

Angela: Your friend sounds a bit of a prude, Robbie.

Beverly: No. That was just childish.

Robbie: They’re only joking Beverly. They’re my mates.

Sophia: Yeah, Robbie. Mates! See you around mister keeper of secrets.

Angela: And you Beverly.

To Robbie’s delight, Angela and Sophia pat him on the bum and leave. He shouts proudly after them.

Robbie: I’ve been short changed.

Beverly considers for a moment what she has just seen.

Beverly: Robbie – I don’t think you and Samantha should kiss like that.

Robbie: Like what?

Beverly: Well, like those girls just described.

Robbie: You mean pashing?

Beverly: Yes.

Robbie: Why not? We like it. She’s my girlfriend.

Beverly: Yes but it’s not very nice to do it in public like that.

Robbie: It was.

Beverly: Was what?

Robbie: Very nice.

Beverly: Yes. No! That’s not what I mean. Other people might not like it.

Robbie: They’re not going to kiss her. I’m her boyfriend.

Beverly: No, no Robbie. They might not like seeing you kiss her like that – out here in the alley; in public. It’s not right.

Robbie: I don’t care.

Beverly: Well you should. It’s not decent.

Robbie: I still don’t care; she loves me.

Beverly: I’m sure she does but even so… You wouldn’t like to see me kiss someone passionately in the alley like that, would you?

Robbie: Why not? Don’t you have a boyfriend?

Beverly: I had a husband.

Robbie: Does he love you?

Beverly: He did, once.

It shows on Robbie’s face that he is thinking about his love life.

Robbie: I know Samantha loves me because she lets me touch her on the tit.

Beverly: (Shocked) Robbie! Don’t say things like that.

Robbie: Why? Don’t you let your husband touch you on the tit?

Beverly: Yes. No! It’s – well, a rude thing to say in public.

Robbie: (teasing) You mean, TIT!

Beverly doesn’t react.

Robbie: Tit, tit!

Beverly: That’s enough. Maybe you should go and finish your cleaning.

Robbie: Yes! I’d better get working otherwise I’ll never be finished in time for breakfast at Mr Lew’s with Samantha. We’re having scrambled eggs. It’s our favourate. We have it every day now.

Robbie suddenly becomes reflective; it’s as if he’s gone inside himself. Beverly studies him for a moment and then fractures his thoughts.

Beverly: What are you thinking about Robbie?

Robbie: Mr Lew said Samantha and me have fallen into each other’s feelings. I don’t know what that means but if we can’t kiss in the street, does that mean we’re being short changed?

Beverly doesn’t have an answer. She walks out of the alley and Robbie takes out a bin the other way.