Ken Purdham
Bachelor of Arts History & Politics
Diploma of Professional Writing & Editing
Writing often is a solitary thing to do but it is a partnership between imagination and pen.
Once a month, this writers group meets and chats about what we’ve been doing and what we’ve been writing. We come up with a theme or sometimes a random picture and then write something on it. It’s not about being good or bad but simply an exercise in letting the imagination run free.
How fascinating to see the different directions our imagination takes us.
A writer’s thought for the month
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” ~ Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
Douglas Noel Adams (11 March 1952 -
The Holmies writers’ group since 1999
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Holmies a Writers’ group
Kylie Seeberg Colin Donald Marjorie Bowes
Ken Purdham Damian Vuleta Anna Callil
Writing organisations spotted by Holmies writers that are worth a look:
Just click onto the url and enjoy
NaNoWriMo is a nonprofit organization that provides tools, structure, community, and encouragement to help people find their voices, achieve creative goals, and build new worlds — on and off the page.
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The prompt for something to write about this month was; ‘Neighours’.
Again, it was stare at the blank page, push the pen, see what happens.
FENCE
By Damian Vuleta © Damian Vuleta
-
Characters
Brian
Doris
Voice/Eddie
A suburban back yard. On one side of the stage is a back door to a house. Along the stage are the usual backyard accoutrements: deckchairs, pot plants, etc. A small outdoor stereo system sits on a table.
Long pause as BRIAN and DORIS, a middle-
DORIS: Donald Trump would be so jealous.
BRIAN: How’d he get this up in just one night?
DORIS: I thougt I heard some noises last night.
BRIAN: You weren’t suspicious?
DORIS: They were very quiet. I thought it was the roadworks down the street.
BRIAN: This can’t possibly be legal.
DORIS: Have you gone to see him about this?
BRIAN: This wall goes all the way around the house and there’s a locked steel door out front now. He won’t answer his buzzer. Have we got his number?
DORIS: I’m not even sure of his name, let alone his number.
BRIAN: Well, that can’t stay up. It’ll block the afternoon sun on the yard.
DORIS: I’ll call the council.
DORIS turns to go inside.
VOICE: (from the other side of the wall) Why isn’t it working?
BRIAN and DORIS look at the wall.
BRIAN: Who is that?
VOICE: It should be working.
DORIS: What should be working?
VOICE: I shouldn’t be hearing you now.
DORIS: Shouldn’t be hearing us?
VOICE: I was assured this fence would block out all surrounding sound.
BRIAN: “Fence”??
VOICE: They promised me complete sound removal.
BRIAN: Who promised you?
VOICE: You shouldn’t be there. Why are you still there?
DORIS: We think, therefore we are. Why is this bloody wall here?
VOICE: No, I can’t hear you, you’re not there. (Sings tunelessly) La la la la la-
BRIAN: Hey!
VOICE: —la la la-
BRIAN: We’re talking to you!
VOICE: Damn it, why can I— (starts coughing)
DORIS: You all right there?
VOICE: I shouldn’t b— (coughs more) — I—
The VOICE has a long coughing fit. BRIAN and DORIS look at the wall and each other. The VOICE eventually stops coughing.
VOICE: (panting) Look, just wait there a moment, okay?
Sound of footsteps from the other side of the wall, then metallic clanking noises. The top of an aluminium ladder appears over the top of one side of the wall. It clumsily moves to the centre, making a lot of noise on the way. When it reaches the centre, it moves down out of view. Sound of footsteps climbing the ladder. Then EDDIE’s head appears at the top of the wall.
EDDIE: Okay, this fence isn't working quite like it’s supposed to—
DORIS: It’s a wall!
EDDIE: —so could you just keep it down, please?
BRIAN: No we will not! Why have you built this?
EDDIE: You invaded my privacy.
BRIAN: Privacy? We’ve hardly ever spoken to you. How were we invading your privacy?
EDDIE: You throw things into my yard.
DORIS: What things?
EDDIE: That orange plastic disk for one.
BRIAN: What? A… frisbee?
EDDIE: Yes, that thing.
DORIS: That was years ago. The kids have left home now.
EDDIE: Then there’s your money-
BRIAN: “Money-
EDDIE: Constantly coming over here wanting food, which would cost me money.
DORIS: Have you actually fed her?
EDDIE: No, but that hasn’t stopped her trying.
BRIAN: Look, I admit that, when it comes to food, Tiddles is the triumph of hope over experience, but—
EDDIE: And then there’s that hammering noise you keep making in your yard.
DORIS: Hammering noise?
EDDIE: Yeah, that one that sounds like…
EDDIE hums a Chopin melody.
DORIS: That’s… that’s Chopin. That’s gentle piano music.
EDDIE: And how do pianos make their sound? Hammers striking steel strings. It drives me batty.
BRIAN: Wait, wait. Did you get council permission to build this wall?
EDDIE: Fence!
BRIAN: Wall!
EDDIE: Of course not. That’s why I had it done overnight.
DORIS: Excuse me?
EDDIE: I want to build a clock tower; council says no. I want a pet lion; council says no. Every little expression of individuality got blocked by officialdom and stupid neighbours. So I finally decided to take matters into my own hands.
BRIAN: Overnight?
EDDIE: Oh, the planning took weeks, and I had to shop around online to find some builders who specialise in getting up fast erections with great length.
DORIS: Er…
EDDIE: Took a lot of money and planning to get it up by 4:00 am, but they did it.
BRIAN: Bet it cost more than feeding Tiddles would’ve.
EDDIE: They clearly didn’t deliver on the soundproofing, though.
DORIS: We are going to call the council about this.
EDDIE: Go ahead. This fence—
BRIAN: Wall!
EDDIE: —fence is reinforced with steel and fibreglass, and has carborundum mixed into the concrete. It’ll cost the council more to demolish it than they’d possibly get from fines, so it’s in everyone’s best interest to leave me alone.
DORIS: They’ll cut your power and water off.
EDDIE: Let them. I’ve already got solar panels, a garden, a well and a long-
BRIAN: Look—
EDDIE: (singing and rocking from side to side on the ladder) Just me just me just meeeEEEEE—
EDDIE leans too far and falls out of sight. Sound of him and the ladder crashing on the ground. BRIAN and DORIS look at the wall in surprise. After a few seconds’ silence:
DORIS: Are you all right?
EDDIE: (from behind the wall) Fine. Absolutely fine. Still just me just m-
BRIAN: You don’t sound all right.
EDDIE: Ow, arrgh… I’m okay. There’s a minor chance my hip may perhaps be broken, but I’m otherwise okay.
BRIAN: Would you like us to call an ambulance?
EDDIE: Please don’t, I’m quite all ri—OW! (pause) Perhaps give them a ring.
DORIS: How are they to get in through that locked steel door at the front?
EDDIE: I’ll unlock it—ahh! (beat) Actually, I can’t get to the door.
DORIS: That’ll make things tricky.
BRIAN: They’ll have to scale their way in, SAS-
DORIS: Or drop in from a helicopter.
BRIAN: That’d be exciting.
EDDIE: I’m still here!
Meowing sounds are heard from over the wall.
EDDIE: What? Oh great, it’s that gold-
DORIS: Nothing keeps Tiddles out. She’s beaten every curfew the council’s imposed.
Purring sounds from over the wall.
EDDIE: Oi, keep away from me! Stop that! Hey, what’s with your cat? I chase her away every time and she still tries to be friendly with me.
BRIAN: Like I said, hope over experience. And that’s a good thing in your case.
EDDIE: What do you mean?
BRIAN: You’ve got the front door key with you, right?
EDDIE: Yes.
BRIAN: Well, attach the key to Tiddle’s collar. We’ll call her over for dinner and we can then pass the key onto the ambulance people.
DORIS: Unless you’ve got a better way to reach your door with a broken hip.
Pause, then EDDIE sighs loudly. Faint tinkling noise.
EDDIE: Okay, it’s attached.
DORIS: (calling) Tiddles! Din-
Sound of something rushing across a garden.
EDDIE: Whoa! She took off like a rocket!
DORIS goes through the back door into the house.
BRIAN: Hope has been realised.
DORIS re-
DORIS: All right, I’ve got the key. We’ll call the ambulance.
EDDIE: Good. Um, thanks, I guess.
BRIAN: But, while we’re waiting, let’s have some music.
BRIAN makes a selection on the outdoor stereo.
EDDIE: Music? What do you mean?
The Anvil Chorus from Il Trovatore starts playing. BRIAN and DORIS smile and go inside.
EDDIE: No! Not the hammers! Not the hammers! ARRGGGH!
The Anvil Chorus swells as lights fade.
Saturday afternoon in the kitchen/family room of the Shrub family. The room is decked
out in tasteful chrissy decorations. GEORGINA, who has flour on her nose, is working
herself into a pre-
GEORGINA
Come on, Jeremy, get your act together. They'll be here in a couple of hours. Christ!
I can't hear myself think with that rotten machine. How long does it take to leaf
blower a courtyard -
JEREMY
It is our tree that's dropping the leaves. (at TV) How is he?!!!
GEORGINA
(loading dishwasher) Tell me about it -
JEREMY
—he’s entitled to remove anything that crosses his property line.
GEORGINA
—poor old lilly-
Jeremy answers but is inaudible over the noise.
GEORGINA
(blender off) What's that?
JEREMY
I said that a case could be argued against the boys as noise pollution – even without the drums.
GEORGINA
Don't be ridiculous -
JEREMY
No-
The leaf blower ceases.
GEORGINA
Ah…peace at last. Please Jeremy, it's getting late…
The leaf blower continues.
No, I can't stand it. Jay, you've got to do something. Go and talk to him.
JEREMY
(looking up at her from the TV) What do you propose I say?
GEORGINA
I don't know, appeal to his christmas spirit, his desire for neighbourly harmony—
Jeremy is about to respond but looking at his wife, reluctantly heads for the back door.
…take some beer with you. (shouts as an afterthought) Tell him I suffer from power-
She picks up a wine glass and polishes it with a tea-
What does he think, that a few little leaves are going to destroy the aesthetics of outdoor entertaining? I mean, for goodness sake!
She holds the glass up to the light, sees another mark and polishes with extreme vigour.
It borders on the obsessive.
Jeremy returns and reclaims his seat in front of the TV.
GEORGINA
Well, what did he say. Will he cease and desist, or, or what?
JEREMY
He said he'd be happy to give it away -
GEORGINA
Leaf-
JEREMY
(watching TV) Leaf-
GEORGINA
You absolute idiot! I said tinnitus, not tinea! Oh my god, he thinks I have poor personal hygiene. (hands to ears) I can't stand that noise!
Georgina takes TV remote and switches it off. She then takes stereo remote and switches it on, turning it up loud. The music is Handel's Messiah. Georgina returns to her glass polishing with increased vigour. Jeremy takes the stereo remote and turns the music down.
JEREMY
Would you like me to get you some ear plugs, love?
GEORGINA
Don't be silly, how will I hear the oven timer go? Only seconds separate the perfect chocolate souffle from the perfectly inedible. Don't turn the TV back on.
He massages Georgina's shoulders with his rubber-
JEREMY
He’ll be finished soon, Georgie. Besides, I think Steve Smith's cover drive will be a little easier on your souffles than Handel at mega decibels.
GEORGINA
Is a little peace at Christmas time too much to ask? (Sniffs over her shoulder and jerks away) Have you already cleaned the toilets?
JEREMY
I've done the upstairs one, and seeing as the cleaner was here yesterday, I think it's a bit excessive.
GEORGINA
Jeremy, we have three boys -
Grabs her mobile phone from the kitchen bench and scrolls.
JEREMY
What are you doing?
GEORGINA
I'm ringing the neighbours. I'm going to get together a, a…
JEREMY
A posse?
GEORGINA
—a coalition. We could do a, a…
JEREMY
A showdown?
GEORGINA
—an intervention. We could write a petition or something. Most of them don't like Peter Perfect. The Smiths have accused him of cleaning his driveway with his hose and Cheryl from next door swears she caught him throwing snails over the fence on to her lettuces. The guy is a chronic car washer, he needs to be told.
JEREMY
Georgie, tis the season to be jolly, not become embroiled in neighbourhood brawling.
GEORGIE
How jolly is our party going to be with that thing droning on in the background? What about the environment? what about my peace of mind? what about…the chocolate souffles!
The leaf blower ceases and the oven timer goes off. Georgie gingerly pulls out a tray of twin chocolate souffles, perfectly risen.
JEREMY
Saved by the bell.
GEORGIE
Sshh! Thank christ he finished -
JEREMY
(whispering)They're magnificent. Gently does it now.
Georgie gently lowers the tray toward the bench.
GEORGIE
(to the souffles) Peace at last, my beauties.
Just as she is about to place the tray on the bench, a whipper snipper fires up, causing her to fumble the tray. The couple look at each other, speechless as the souffles implode. Lights and noise down.
GEORGIE
(with a menacing tone) Boys!
SCENE TWO
Lights up on kitchen/family room. Background noise of boys playing in the backyard. The souffle mess has been cleared and Georgie has returned to polishing her glasses. Jeremy enters holding his gloved hands aloft like a surgeon.
JEREMY
All quiet?
GEORGINA
I'd say so.
JEREMY
Georgie, what have you done?
GEORGINA
I sent Kill, Crash and Destroy outside with an early christmas present.
BOY (OFF)
Hey Dad!
From SL comes a jet of water, hitting Jeremy in the face.
GEORGINA
(with absolute calm) Keep it outside boys. (to Jeremy) Dry off, they’ll be here in a minute!
Blackout. Music up – ‘Neighbours’ theme song.